Pull Up To The Bumper, Baby

Sun Herald

Sunday June 21, 1998

Jonathan Hawley

Ever wondered what kind of driver has a bumper sticker that says "Get in, sit down, shut up and hang on"? Jonathan Hawley meets one.

To say Daniel Roache is atypical of those who like to glue the odd bumper sticker on their car is a gross understatement. In fact, bumper sticker is a serious misnomer for what he has plastered over his Holden panel van because space for his collection on the vehicle's bumper bar ran out many years ago. Every available surface of the van is festooned with stickers broadly concerned with drinking beer, shooting feral animals and performing duties in bed other than sleeping.

"I tend to get pulled over by the police a lot so they can check me out," he says. "Particularly in country towns where they are just itching to slap an 'unroadworthy' on the van and run me out of town by sunset. I know it looks shocking, but the van works properly and there's not much they can do."

Bumper stickers have a seamy side that goes way beyond merely giving the driver behind a chuckle; they sometimes border on the anti-social. Who hasn't wondered what the hell the (invariably) V8 Commodore with "Get in, sit down, shut up and hang on" spread across the rear window really means? Is it an indication of the driving ability of the bloke behind the wheel, or a lack thereof? Or maybe the wheels are about to fall off. Certainly, the ironic version on some of the mobile wrecks, which says "Shut up, get out and start pushing" is more funny.

If someone stopped you in the street to tell you that "Love is a German Shepherd", you'd call the police or, at the very least, the anti-bestiality squad.

Yet there's no reluctance to use a car as a mobile billboard for such sentiments. The driver of a car - or van, ute or truck - can use his or her vehicle as a statement of personal values without the need for face-to-face communication skills.

If the vehicle makes no statement other than the owner can't afford to wash it, or that he or she can't buy a car of prestige or luxury, then that's where the bumper sticker comes in - to spell the message out in black and white.

You don't, for instance, see overt bumper stickers on a Rolls-Royce, Porsche or Lamborghini, apart, perhaps, from the name of the retailer. Picture a Ferrari with a slogan that proclaims "Cricketers have leather balls" and the message is a confusing one, implying the driver is an obscenely rich yob. Which brings us to Michael Lekkis, the pilot of a particularly wicked-looking 1972 black two-door Falcon with lowered suspension, wide alloy wheels, a V8 exhaust note that would put an underground nuclear test in Pakistan to shame - and a "Get in, sit down, shut up and hang on" sticker plastered on the back.

"It's a warning that this is a pretty cool car and whoever is around had better watch out," says Michael. "My mates have got good cars, too, and it's something you do. It beats having a Kenwood (car stereos) or Oakley (sunglasses) advertisement on your car." But does his Mum see it as a warning, too, if he has to take her to the shops? "She's not allowed to touch the car. She's got a Camry, and that's what it is for." Received and understood, Mikey.

Bumper stickers basically fall into three categories. First, there are the homey ones, which reveal only the baldest facts about the driver: that they've stayed at the Coffs Harbour caravan park; they work for a particular ski-hire company; or, if the car is a Ferrari, that the car is a Ferrari (as if you hadn't already guessed).

Second, there are those who swear allegiance, whether it's to a gun club, a union or a particular breed of dog. Things like "I shoot and I vote" (although hopefully not simultaneously) or "Love is a Cocker Spaniel".

Those stuck on smoke-belching wrecks championing a particular environmental cause are common. The "Joh for PM" bumper sticker virtually lost the Liberals an election.

Then there are, for want of a better description, the pithy witticisms. Many are straight out of the Benny Hill school. "Skiers do it on the Piste", or "Rowers stroke faster" were an absolute hoot in the palaeolithic era, although the increase in traffic jams since then means the humour is starting to wear a little thin. Black humour works a whole lot better, particularly if it is relevant. You're driving on a freeway in southern California and a pick-up truck speeds past with a sticker on the back window "Honk if you want to get shot".

Sometimes, though, interaction with the bumper sticker's owner is irresistible. Haven't you ever wanted to jump out of your car and explain to the driver in front that, yes, you would like to thank a teacher because you can read his sticky label? But wouldn't it be just as logical to have one saying: "If you can't read this, blame a teacher"?

Road rage is a terrible thing at the best of times, but plaster one of the above on your car's bumper bar and you're likely to get hauled out of the driver's seat and be given the cuts with a wooden ruler.

But the last word in turning a cliche on its head goes to the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that said: "If you can read this, I've lost my caravan." Now that's funny.